I don't know what to tell you about this walk because I don't really remember very much about it, even though it was only yesterday. But I decided I'd test out my new earphones – nothing fancy, just new iPhone ones. I know lots of people like to listen to music while they exercise, but honestly, I don't think it's for me. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy the music, because I did. Maybe it depends what type of exercise you're doing; maybe if I was on a treadmill, I'd appreciate the distraction from the pain and hellishness. But on my walk, I dunno ... it just made everything different in a way I'm not sure I liked.
I made myself a playlist before I went out. It had to be movie tunes because I don't like to be distracted by lyrics unless I'm cooking or washing up (for you Americans, this means 'washing the dishes'). Is that weird? It might be weird. But I think it's been well established by now that I am quite weird. If you haven't noticed that I'm weird by now, this is probably your first time to this blog. Welcome!
If you are new, this is my street. Just an ordinary English street.
So, I set off, and straight away I was somewhere else. I didn't really see my street at all. The music completely took over all of my brain space instantly. You can't play movie music quietly – there's no point in playing it at all if it's not loud. And the stuff I listen to ... well, let's have a look at where I went in my head and you'll find out what I listen to.
Shall we play guess the film? Okay, so, as I stepped out of my house, this is where I was in my head:
On Pandora. Say what you like about this film, I love it and I'm not ashamed to say so. And the music is stunning. So, I was up in the floating islands, climbing vines and being very excited about choosing my ikran. I thought my ikran might be up this tree, but it wasn't.
Quite obviously, if you haven't seen Avatar, you will not have the slightest clue of what I'm talking about. You should probably watch it. Go on – you'll find it somewhere free online.
Actually, I'll share the music with you, just in case you fancy a listen. Here's Climbing Up Iknimaya.
Then, very suddenly, I was no longer 10 feet tall and blue. No, I was a cartoon Viking, riding my goddam dragon – hell, yeah! If you've spoken to me in real life, it's very likely that I'll have told you that I believe myself to be part Viking, and also that I'm too scared to take one of those DNA ancestry tests in case I find out that I'm not Viking at all. But it doesn't matter, because when I listen to this track, I'm the Vikingest Viking there ever was.
In real life, I was at the end of my street, walking pretty fast because this music is strong, rousing, electrifying, inspiring, and all of those other motivating synonyms. There must be very few people who can resist the very strong pull of a beat right in their earholes when they're walking. Can you? If you're listening to Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees, is it possible to amble along and enjoy a quiet stroll? I think not. And that was why I built my playlist accordingly, to see if I could do three miles really fast. I actually did four miles really fast, so it worked.
Anyway, this one was How To Train Your Dragon, in case you were desperate to know. One of the best animated films ever made.
Have a listen: Coming Back Around
This woman overtook me when I stopped to mess about with the earphone settings – I was trying to turn off the volume limit because I could still hear cars. And then my next tune started to play and I was almost overcome by an overpowering urge to run at her and wrestle her to the ground. It was me or her, for the gods' sake – there could be only one winner!
'Are you not ENTERTAINED??'
Everyone knows this one, right? Some of the most powerful movie music ever written. Know why? Because Hans Zimmer is a musical god, that's why! You've got your John Williams and your James Horner and that's all very nice, but Zimmer is in a league of his own.
I didn't tackle the poor woman because I was just about rational and present enough in the here and now to remember that that sort of thing is frowned upon in Lancaster, though I can't think why.
I'm not even going to mention the name of the film because it's so famous. But here's the music – two pieces!
I was halfway through my walk already and it felt like I'd only just set off, so the music does seem to make me walk faster. But by now I was noticing the fact that, well, I hadn't noticed anything. I usually see things, even if it's just a bird or a nice house or a strange cloud. This evening, I hadn't noticed anything at all, apart from maybe the woman I'd thought about fighting to the death. This was when I started to think that I didn't really like walking with music, even though I love the music I'd picked.
Off to sea next, yo ho ho! It was a double-double Russell Crowe extravaganza, completely by accident actually. Everyone loves some Russell Crowe, no? This is from one of the best films ever made. Possibly the best film ever made. I popped a couple of tunes from this film on the list as well because it's just wonderful. It carried me along for a very brisk mile and a half – still noticing nothing at all of my real surroundings because I was in the middle of a sea battle and the ship alongside had 40 guns and 500 men, and our ship's surgeon had been wounded. What the hell were we going to do, Captain?? Dammit, men, they'll never take us alive!!
Even though this is probably the best film ever made, not everyone has seen it, so I'll tell you that it's Master and Commander. If you haven't seen it, you probably should. And lament with the rest of us that the second and third parts of the trilogy have never been made.
Found myself here, with no real idea of whether I'd intended to walk back to my house this way. I was here last weekend when I accidentally walked to Slyne, remember? But the music was actually starting to annoy me when the next track began.
Now, I love Maggie Smith very much. Lots of people don't, and that's fine. And lots of people love Judi Dench, but she's not one of my favourites, and that's also fine. I don't actually remember what happens in this film because I've only seen it once, so my brain was totally confused and a bit disgruntled as well. It couldn't quite concentrate on the path I was physically walking, but it couldn't focus on the film world either because it couldn't remember it, so it was just sort of peeved. It wanted me to rip the earphones out of my ears and listen to some birds or rustling leaves. But I didn't, because this was an experiment and I was determined to make it all the way home without stopping the music.
You might remember Ladies in Lavender yourself. I think it's a good film, but I just can't remember anything about it.
Back to sea after this. And thank goodness, because I know where I am at sea. Actually, that's a lie – I'm a terrible sailor and get very seasick. That's the main reason I could never have been an astronaut either – terrible motion sickness. That, and the fact that I can't do maths.
Anywaaaaaay, this film needs no introduction or further explanation. A great bit of music and my brain was happy again. It was also glad of the distraction from the dark lanes because I hadn't realised it was so late and found myself in the wilds with no weapons again.
When you're on a long dark path, you do kind of wish you had a weapon. Doesn't matter at this point if you've got music to distract you, because you now realise that the music is preventing you from hearing anyone approaching from behind. Oh dear. My pace slowed around here because I had to keep looking back to make sure I wasn't being followed ... because you just never know.
I got to the lanes by the crematorium and the rational part of my brain won and I ripped those earphones out and stuffed them in my pocket. Jack Sparrow had peed me off in the end, and now I was walking on a dark road and unable to tell whether there was a car speeding up behind me. I was scowling for the first time on one of my walks, and I think it was because I felt as though I'd missed it, you know? I can listen to music any time, but I just don't feel as though my walks need it. They've got birdsong and breezes, and Matthew's chatter when he's with me. I don't need to try to add another confusing element to them. They're beautiful enough as they are.
Until tomorrow, maestros, when we will be soundtrackless.
WQ
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