You will never guess what happened today, so I'll tell you ... James came with me! I know! How astonished are you? I was astonished. I think James was astonished as well. Matthew was certainly astonished and decided it was probably best if he stayed at home because James hates him. It's alright – they're just brothers, perfectly normal.
'James,' says I, 'do you fancy a little walk around Heysham village?' 'Whatever, yeah,' says he. Nice one.
Heysham (pronounced 'he-sh'm') is much too far to walk to from my house just yet, so we went in the car. I wasn't at all sure how long a walk James would be able to manage because he's been confined to the house for ten weeks or something (not by just me and the lockdown, but by his alleged germophobia – I don't think he has germophobia at all, and I think he uses it as an excuse to stay at home in his undies). But I thought he could perhaps manage a little mile or so around the barrows. Heysham is next to Morecambe, in case you've never heard of it.
Oop, we spotted a very nice field, and I confessed to James my newfound admiration for pretty fields and my desire to own one. He didn't think any of this was weird. He'd have a cheek if he did because he's by far the weirdest of my children.
Heysham is bigger than just its village, but the village bit looks like this, all twisty and leafy, with interesting-looking houses and hedges, and lanes going off in unexpected directions.
It looks like the Downton Abbey village to me. Maybe not the double yellow lines, or the tarmac, but you know what I mean. It's just very ... English looking.
Even the church – St. Peter's – looks like the one in Downton Abbey. I suppose the same could be said of any village church in England. There's been a church here since around the 7th or 8th century, apparently; now that's old! I only been to one wedding here, and it was very beautiful indeed.
Another thing I don't think it's weird to do is take a stroll around a very old graveyard. It's a nice thing, to look at the names and the dates and to wonder about the people who lived before. Also, there's a very funny scene in Anne of Windy Willows where Anne meets Miss Valentine on her evening stroll in the cemetery and Miss Valentine tells Anne the most shocking stories about the people buried there.
St. Paul's has Saxon stuff in it. I don't know if this is Saxon, but it's old.
The church has got the best view in the village. Alright, maybe not that particular view of some modern houses, but I'll show you the other views in a minute.
See, old? Wonky equals old in architecture. Apart from the Pyramids, which I don't think have any wonks at all.
So, we wandered around, looking at names and dates for a good while. James was quite bouncey, which I didn't think was disrespectful in a graveyard – I think bounce is allowed. I remembered there was a little garden, and we found that next.
Ah, smaller than I remembered. But very lovely, and maybe I'll bring a book here one day when it's nice and just enjoy the quiet and the trees and the flowers – and the spiders and woodlice.
After the garden, we wandered off out of the church grounds and tried to find our way to the barrows. James stopped for a catalogue pose, which was interesting because Matthew, as you know, doesn't do any kind of pose. James, though, was very keen to be photographed. 'Are you putting that in your little blog,' says he. 'D'you want me to?' says I. 'Well, yeah,' says he, 'I'm the best-looking son.' I can neither confirm nor deny this statement. 'Don't forget to tell them I'm taller than you,' says James, so there you are.
James took charge around this woody area because I didn't know it at all. I've been to the barrows lots of times, but I've never explored this hidden bit. James thought he remembered a tree swing, so we looked for that.
We did find the swing, but there were people swinging on it, and James said 'chavs' – his word, not mine – so we moved on. I made a mental note that we should find these steps on the way back and see what was at the top of them. My secret plan was to make James walk further than he wanted to without him noticing. He was doing very well so far, but I was expecting a 'can we go back to the car now' any minute.
We found yet another way into Narnia, but James doesn't play these games with me so there was no chance of me getting in this time – you can't get in if you're with a Susan!
I didn't mind so much because we ended up here, with this incredible sky and sandy paths and a seaweed-smelling breeze. Oooh, this was great – like being properly outdoors. I didn't know which way to go first, but this was partly because there were masses of people here. This made me a bit nervous because I've never seen so many people outside a supermarket since I started my walks. But as you'll see, it was easy enough to stay away from them in the end. So we popped over this rise to see what was there.
I had completely forgotten the power station existed, but you can't miss it. Big ugly nuclear monstrosity, bless it. The boys' dad works there. We then had a discussion about what it would be like if the core exploded, which turned into a conversation about nuclear zombies and how cool and impossible to kill they would be.
When we were sure the crowds had thinned out a bit, we went back over to the ruins. Now, I always thought these were Viking graves, but I was mistaken. In my eyes, the fact that they are Saxon makes them less cool because, well, you know, Vikings are the coolest of all the extinct civilisations, obviously. Everyone knows that. Nonetheless, these graves are a bit of a draw for the tourists and they are quite morbidly fascinating.
I did try to convince him, but James refused to lie down in one to see how tall Saxons were. He said I should, which was absolutely hilarious because I wouldn't fit one leg in there.
I can think of worse places to be buried.
We found another path to explore, which took us off down the cliffs. Yes, I know, these are not very impressive cliffs, but I don't know what else to call them.
It's really very lovely here. I'd forgotten how nice it was, and I think it's because the weather is so often cold and rainy and windy that you've got to be in the mood for a bit of wildness. I could've stayed here all day, and I probably will another time. Another place to bring a book, and probably a picnic.
I think this little fella was a song thrush. He was trying to catch our attention by hopping along just ahead of us – I'm sure he was trying to tell us something, or possibly trying to lure us to our deaths, actually, because he eventually hopped right off the edge of one of the cliffs. He flew off, of course, being a bird, but then he came back and tried again. In fact, I'm absolutely certain now that he was trying to kill us.
He didn't even sing, but if he had, he would've sounded like this: https://www.british-birdsongs.uk/song-thrush/
Look, what did I tell you? Masses of people!
We ambled about for a good half an hour, James telling me all sorts of interesting things about filmmaking and his favourite films because that's what he wants to do with his life. I think he was enjoying himself, which was the biggest shock of the day.
I took this picture for you because everyone takes this picture. Lots of people pose in the arch for a photo, looking wistfully out to sea, but that was too cutesy for James and I agreed with him.
You're being very patient and you've made it through so many photos of today's walk already, but I'm afraid we weren't anywhere near ready to go home yet. There were some ruins to climb around.
This is where people go for a wee when they're desperate because there are no toilets anywhere nearby, and it's also where people go for a sneaky weed smoke – I know these two things because we could smell both and decided not to go any further.
Perhaps a little regretful that he hadn't posed under the arch, James decided to pose here. James knows that the only right way to pose is with one leg at a right angle to the other. And also with your eyes closed.
Saxons, I think, must have been quite small because all of the doorways around here – and there are quite a few – are very low. All of the steps are very shallow as well, so the Saxons must have had tiny feet.
And we still weren't ready to go home. We found those steps again and I said that James should just lead the way again, which he did, very happily.
Well, this bit of untamed wonderfulness was just awesome. There were paths criss-crossing all over the place, some going up, some going sideways, some going nowhere at all. There were very tall trees and lots of fern and thick undergrowth and hidden rockfaces. This wasn't the kind of place you'd bring a book though, I don't think, because it's a place for exploring and possibly climbing trees, although I didn't spot any with low enough branches to climb.
I don't even know what this place is – it's just been allowed to stay wild and do its own thing. I love it! And it's surrounded by a great stone wall.
I bet there are millions of ticks in there. I've had to dislodge two from my legs this week, which is not something I've ever had to contend with before, having never been an outdoors type of person until now.
Isn't it pretty? That's not really an adquate word, but it's 11pm and I'm almost asleep.
We emerged from this wondrous place, feeling as though we had travelled many miles and across many countries, so we were surprised to find ourselves only a few yards from the Narnia door.
And that was the end of our adventure. We'd seen many things and explored strange new lands and now it was time to return to the land of the locked down. James said that he had enjoyed his walk but that he probably wouldn't want to do it again for a while because walking is boring, which confused me but I said nothing.
Until tomorrow, ye olde eaxlgesteallan – that's old English for 'friends' – actually 'shoulder-companions', meaning sort of like ma dudes.
WQ
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